How Much Toilet Paper You Really Need For A COVID-19 Quarantine

America is just a few weeks into the COVID-19
pandemic, and already, some people are acting like we now live in a post-apocalyptic wasteland
of Mad Max proportions… a terrifying dog-eat-dog world in which it’s every man for himself,
and we must do everything in our power to survive. This includes stockpiling hand sanitizer,
oat milk, and toilet paper. But the fact is, having a whole bunch of toilet
paper in the house really isn’t going to be of much use to you… no matter how bad the situation gets out there. And even if we all wind up having to self-quarantine
in the days to come, we’re probably looking at about two weeks’ time cooped up in our
homes. Well, if that turns out to be the case, you’ll
really only need the same amount of toilet paper that you tend to use in any two-week
period. Of course, this begs the question: Exactly
how much toilet paper does that actually amount to? In case you’re simply too panicked to figure
out how long a roll of toilet paper tends to last in your household, Vice has helpfully
done the dirty work and crunched the data for you: While toilet paper rolls and sheet
counts vary from person to person, 500-sheet rolls of two-ply paper were used for the sake
of their experiment. First, it was necessary to establish the average
amount of, um, “movements” per week. According to a Scandinavian survey, it turns
out that the average person goes Number Two approximately 1.714 times per day. Seeing as men tend to use toilet paper solely
for this purpose, that means he’ll use TP about 14 times a week. But women also need to use toilet paper after
they pee, which they do about seven times a day. So seven times seven equals forty-nine. Add on twelve for that other thing – because
women poo too, of course – and you get sixty-one. Add another one just for kicks… and you
get sixty-two toilet paper events each week for women. So, here’s another burning question: How many
sheets of TP are needed for each of these bathroom “events”? Of course, individual mileage is bound to
vary from one “event” to the next, but the Massachusetts Institute of Technology determined
that the average number of sheets per use is 8.6. Now let’s turn back to our calculator for
some more number-crunching: As it turns out, men need approximately 120.4 sheets per week,
while women need 533.2 sheets per week. That means that in the event of a two-week
quarantine, a man should be good to go with a single 500-sheet roll, while a woman may
require just over two rolls. And since toilet paper is usually sold in
packs of at least four rolls, one of these should certainly see you through a quarantine
in a household of one, and most likely a household of two. And should you ever wish to maximize your
toilet paper supply, both a nuclear physicist and a mathematics professor concluded that
wadding up the TP while you wipe is a far more efficient strategy than folding it. You can thank the Dollar Shave Club blog for
this essential bit of trivia. Now suppose you suddenly run out of your touchable,
soft, ever-so supple toilet paper… “Is he yours?” “Yeah, but you can touch him.” “Please do!” “So fluffy!” “Really soft…?!” In fact, let’s imagine you ran out of toilet
paper right before it became the hottest commodity since Popeye’s chicken sandwich. Sure, it’s a raw deal… but it’s not the
end of the world, despite the apocalyptic scenes that are unfolding in toilet paper
aisles across the nation. “One big convenience store operator, they
said, ‘You know, we’ve had enough of people stealing our toilet paper, so we’re gonna
put a curse on it.'” “Oh!” Don’t give up hope should you find the shelves
bereft of TP the next time you hit the stores. Instead, we recommend picking up a few boxes
of Kleenex. We guarantee that your bum will never know
the difference. Even if the Kleenex is all sold out, there’s
still no reason to panic. At the end of the day, there are plenty of
toilet paper alternatives you can reach for in the event of an emergency. Consider this: You can finally put all that
junk mail — and all those mile-long receipts – to good use. Check out one of our newest videos right here! Plus, even more List videos about your favorite
household products are coming soon. Subscribe to our YouTube channel and hit the
bell so you don’t miss a single one.

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